Totally True

[Aaron Burr]

So I'm like out in front of the Circle Stop? And this dude in this truck pulls up? And he's all,

"Hey! Need me to pimp ya' some beer?"

And I'm all,

"Shuh! I don't drink no beer you old pervert!"

And he's all like,

"Not you faggot, the hot chick behind you."

And right behind me was Brians' older sister. Swear to God dude. She totally got in that old dudes truck and took off with a bunch of beer.

I bet if I had a truck and some beer she would have gone with me because I'm way better looking than that old dude.


Whore.

[Floyd Looney]

lol.

OOookkaaayy.... ha

[Aaron Burr]

What? It's a true story written from the perspective of one John C. about 18 years ago. I was the old dude in the truck.


Here, here's another one.

December 1988.

Mexico.

We had spent the night in Ensenada drinking too much. Dawn found us sleeping on the beach, pretty hung over. My best crime partner at the time, Joel W. was fairly disgusted with himself due to his steady church goin' ways and low self esteem.

I was, on the other hand. Feeling like a thousand bucks. Hey, it was the eighties. Money went a lot further back then.

Anyway, we start driving North when I spot another buddies Pick Up by the side of the road. It had surf boards sticking in the back so I decided to help myself. 2 hours later I'm out in the line up, not too far from the border, when I see my buddies Pick Up come barreling down the beach.

Turns out it wasn't my buddy after all. I figured that out because three strange dudes started wailing on Joel once they saw me surfing on some dudes board.

So I paddle in and break things up, and get to jawing with these guys who were actually pretty pissed off and ready to do murder. After I pointed out that if I had planned on stealing the guys board, I would have crossed the border, they calmed down a bit and decided that maybe it really was a case of mistaken identity.

After a while the conversation kind of died away and the truck guys noticed the tide coming in. They asked for our help in pushing their car out of the rapidly rising ocean.

Joel decided not to because they had been so mean to him. Who was I to argue? Joel was driving.

So as far as I know, there's still a Datsun pickup under the waves at Rosarito beach.

There, another completely true story and I didn't even get to the part about the illegal fireworks in the Holiday Inn and the Mexican Hooker who got stuck with the bill.

[Floyd Looney]

Post anything you want. wait... thats probably not exactly what I meant.

I was thinking about trying to scrounge FR around for some traffic.

[Aaron Burr]

Hmm. That's not much of a story...

Oh! It's what you want to do. Sure, knock yourself out. Just bring back some skirts. Skirts write crap down all the time so I'm sure this board will explode with a thousand different tearful rip offs of Twilight. Plus, this place smells like dirty socks. Some skirt stories and poems will really brighten up the joint.

And you thought I was nuts for suggesting a poetry forum. Hell, if I knew you were going out shopping for skirts so soon I would have asked for some doilies.

But yeah, we ended up driving back to Encinitas or whatever right on the American border side and went to Carls Jr. While there, around 2 A.M. Immigration shows up. I mean they really show up. Me and Joel were sitting on the front curb eating our Bacon Western burgers when the place got raided and completely cleaned out. There we were sitting on the sidewalk watching all these armed dudes escorting all these Mesikin' Carls Jr's employees into black vans.

They left and there we were. Sitting in front of a fully lit and unlocked Carls Jr at 2AM.

We left because Joel had had enough. So we went back into T.J.. and found a Holiday Inn to try and find some peace and quiet.

[Aaron Burr]

I'll finish up with Mexico in a minute. Instead I wanted to tell you about the time I saw a UFO....well, actually I knew exactly what the fug' it was but everybody calls them UFO's so whatever.

So I'm sittin' there on the back deck of this bar way the fug' up the mountains in a completely different state. Most likely Idaho because I remember it was a funny shaped state. Other than that it's a nice state but it's like they got lazy and never really got into doing anything with the northern part, maybe it's because it's so close to Canada.

Anyway, I'm drinkin' a beer out of one of those lil' boot shaped mugs, lookin' at the river and junk when I look up. Sort of up, I mean I looked across the valley and above the tree line. Which, from my perspective, was up. So I'm lookin' and it takes me about 10 seconds, really, 10 seconds to figure out what I was looking at. It was a big ass fuggin' disk shaped dealie.

I'm assuming it was big because it was across the valley and above the tree line and I could tell what shape it was. It was evening ish' and the sun was still visible in the sky so I didn't see any lights or nothin'. It was kinda' gray, didn't seem to be spinnin' around or shootin' ray guns or nothing. It was just sort of sitting there.

So I look around the deck to see if anyone else was there and of course there wasn't. If I remember right it was late summer, maybe early fall so not a lot of people were in that area up in the mountains. So I'm sittin' there gettin' kinda spoked when the waitress comes out. She was about 40ish with one of those mean wrinkly faces women get when they smoke too much and they're pissed off at life and junk.

So I kinda' gulp and point with my boot mug at the disk, which by this time is kinda moving so you'd have to be an idiot not to notice it. She looks at it and gets fuggin' really mad. Her face all scrunches up and she starts wiping down tables really quick. So I say,

"Don't you see that?"

And she keeps on wiping and says all tight lipped,

"Yeah, I see it."

And I'm like...

"Buh?"

And she's all.

"Just ignore the fuggin' thing and it'll go away. You want another beer?"

Well, of course I did. So I sat there lookin' at the disk getting smaller and smaller for a while and then I went into the bar. The bartender was this big ass ugly dude who looked pissed off too. So much so in fact that I didn't even mention the big disk across the valley.

So I go out front and get ready to jump on my motorpickle and get the hell out of this podunk town when I see this scrawny bum dude sitting on the front steps. He looks at me and grins one of those 8 toofus grins and is all,

"Did ya' see it?"

And I'm like,

"Um...yeah."

And he starts laughing like an idiot so I get on my scoot, fire her up and drop it into gear. Right then I see in my rear view mirror the big ass bartender looking all pissed off so I left.

Totally true.

[Aaron Burr]

Oh yeah, and I used to know this girl up in Washington state. Christian, good family, steady job, the works.

So one time we're talking and I jokingly brought up the subject of Bigfoot. She had never heard of it. So I start to explain what it was and she stops me and says,

"Oh, you mean a Yowie."

So I said,

"A what?"

And she said,

"A Yowie. Sure, I've seen one of those. We used to have one that liked to play with our laundry when it was hung out to dry."

So I said,

"Why do you call it a Yowie?"

And she said,

"Because that's what you say when you see one."

"Did you?"

"No, I just thought they were normal. I saw my first one when I was about five. I told my Grandma' and she told me all about them, but not to play with them but that if I wanted to leave apples out for them that was O.K."

So she's telling me this and I suddenly remember we're having this conversation in the same house she grew up in and I can see the laundry hanging out in the backyard. Right about then her uncle comes in so I ask him about the Yowie.

"Yeah, they're kinda' a pain in the ass but I haven't seen one around here in years."

So then we started talking about other stuff and after a while I left.

I never did see one but I believed the girl. She's still living way out in the woods, has a good job in the same town she grew up in, goes to church, the works.

And she still has no idea that millions of people are looking for Bigfoot.

[Floyd Looney]

That would be interesting.

[Attero Dominatus]

Interesting indeed.

[Aaron Burr]

What's interesting? The boot shaped beer mugs? I thought so too. I can never find those anywhere.

[Aaron Burr]

Yes Aaron, I too find those boot shaped mugs to be tough to find. Please, go on with more paranormal stories...or at least finish the one about you and Joel in Mexico.


Well, O.K. Mr. Burr, I always try to go the extra mile for my readers.....wait a sec....is that what I think it is?

Hold on. I'll be right back. I think I see a Rolo under the desk.

[Floyd Looney]

lol.

See, you don't need us. heh

[Aaron Burr]

No, I don't need much besides my beloved Sterno...a hot rod...Frito's...um...my Winchester...maybe another solid gold bath tub, an executive suite at Angels stadium, my Triumph...Jesus...English only ballots...Yahtzee...my war bonnet...Filipino man servant, a couple of extra passports...an understanding judge...a new publicist...I think those Swiss Army knives are pretty handy, indoor plumbing...about 1500 books and some Jiffy Pop and I'm all set.

Oh, and the Mexican Hooker that we picked up in TJ ended up setting off our bag of illegal fireworks by accident so me and Joel had to head back across the border in a hurry.

I think we ended up staying in a KOA campground so as to avaiod detection by cranky law enforcement agencies.

All in all, it was a good trip.

[Floyd Looney]

Good learning experience for when the US is a third world country