Post by icebear on Feb 15, 2010 21:55:56 GMT -5
By Theodore Holden (from the bearfabrique.org lit section...)
An Alien in New York City
“Listen, Mister, uh, what’d you say your name was again?”
“Johnson, officer, Larry M. Johnson.
“Listen, Mr. Johnson, we understand you probly don’t enjoy talkin to cops, but the fickle fingera fate would appear to a placed you at the scene a somethin we’d kinda like to hear a bit more about.”
“What my partner here means is that we ain’t really intrested in none of your, uh, business interests or anything like that, but when we find the guy responsible for all them muggins and rapes and what not stripped naked and tied to a tree bleedin to death where a buncha girl scouts been carvin their initials on im, it kinda piques our curiousity, if ya know what we mean.”
“Tell us what all you saw, and you can go straight back to whatever you were doin.”
“Hey, no problem, I’ll tell ya anything ya want only don’t make me laugh no more, I been laughin all mornin an my lungs is bad from smokin all these years, I laugh any more today, it’s gonna put me in the hospital.”
“You get any kinda look at this chick they was talkin about?”
“Did I get a look? Lemme tell ya, I seen some strong chicks before, lady athletes and what not, an I seen models an good-lookin broads before, but I ain’t never seen nothin like this. This gal looked like she was in her late twenties or early thirties, an jus drop-dead gorgeous, long real dark red hair, an you was so overwhelmed jus lookin at how pretty she was an all, that you almost didn’t notice how big she was till she was right up next to ya. She been joggin through the park in the mornins for about a week or so I guess, an Freddy musta started ta notice her.”
“Freddy’s our rapist perp?”
“Right. Listen, I’m serious, don’t you guys start laughin, I’m gonna get sick if I laugh any more this mornin. Now, Freddy ain’t no pro wrestler, but he ain’t little neither, he’s about five-eleven, six feet or so, hundred eighty-five, ninety pounds, an the idea a some chick actually bein stronger than he is probably never occurred to im, an this chick we’re talkin bout probably struck him as a challenge, kinda like that big mountain off in Asia. You remember they asked some a them guys why they wanted to climb it and they said ‘Cause it’s there.’”
“So Freddy, our village rapist, is lookin for some way to bushwhack this redheaded chick or take her unawares some kinda way?“
“Freddy’s got himself some book on huntin an trappin, an he’s got himself a rope strung between two trees along the path where this chick comes joggin an he’s got the rope covered up wit leaves, an he’s hidden, an he pulls the rope tight just as this chick comes up on it, an I guess he expects the chick to land straight on her face an then he pulls a knife on her. Only the chick don’t do that; she jus tucks everything in an rolls an comes back to er feet an turns to face Freddy in a single motion, not a scratch on er, walks up to Freddy, makes some sorta movement wit one hand towards Freddy’s face an takes is knife wit the other hand, meanwhile Freddy’s too stupified to even move, then she makes some kinda move so quick I couldn’t even follow it an Freddy’s lyin there on is ass wit the wind knocked outta im thinkin ‘Oh shit, what am I doin here!’. “
“Now, as fate would have it, I was on some business walkin the other way on this same path and walked up just as this shit was happenin. The redhaired chick was lookin at Freddy’s knife, one a them little stiletto switchblades...”
“Jeez lady, you some kinda warrior princess or somethin?”
“I’m just an ordinary republican housewife. Most of the time at least... Was this character actually going to try to stab me with this little knife?”
“Listen lady, I’m jus passin through here, but rumor has it that guy’s some kinda preevert sex offender; he was likely gonna try to shag your ass...”
“Shag? You mean he was going to rob me and use the money to buy himself a real knife?”
“The man’s rumored to be a rapist; he was gonna rape ya.”
“How so?”
“Well, fer starters, he was gonna force ya to get undressed...”
“You have to admire ambition in a man, nonetheless (turning towards Freddy), you appear to be the loser in this instance, and if the looser has to get undressed... “
“An, wit that, the chick pulls out the scariest lookin knife I ever seen anywheres outta some loose thing in er clothin, walks over to where Freddy’s still lyin on the ground wit the wind knocked outta im, tells im if he holds real still he won’t get cut an, in what looked like three strokes wit that knife, Freddy’s lyin there naked as a jaybird.”
“Now, assuming that was me lying there with nothing on and not that gentleman, what would he have done next?”
“Lady, like I told ya, the man’s a rapist, he’da tried to force ya to have sex wit im an, if ya was real lucky, that might be all he’da done...”
“Really! That’s got to be illegal, and this guy doesn’t really look bright enough to be any sort of criminal. Where I come from, you have to pass a series of tests to become a criminal; do they simply allow anybody to become a criminal here?”
“An, before I can answer the question, the lady turns her attention back to Freddy an says:”
“You were going to “rape” me with THAT? That’s even sillier than wanting to stab me with that little knife. Here, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to do you a favor; I’m going to cut that off for you, and then you can tell people you had a fine, big one, and that some ill-tempered woman cut it off in a fit if jealousy. Then at least nobody will laugh at you, here, hold still, it’ll only hurt for a few minutes...”
“I’m tellin ya, you guys start laughin, an ya ain’t gonna get to hear the rest of the story.”
“Okay, we’ll try to keep our faces straight, but it ain’t easy. What happened, the chick cut Freddy’s tally off?”
“Na, Freddy starts screamin an cryin an carryin on, an the chick turns back towards me:”
“You see, that’s a lesson in life, you try to help people and do nice things for them, and more often than not they don’t appreciates it. Does this character only “rape” big women like me, or is he also a danger to smaller women and girls?”
“These types ain’t choosy, lady; big, little, young, old, it don’t matter, it’s all the same to him, he’d probably try to rape one a them girl scouts over there if he had half a chance.”
“Well, you know, I’ve got to get back to my running here and I could die of old age standing here trying to figure out how to deal with this character according to customs which I’m not familiar with, so I think I’m going to let some of you people figure out what to do with him.”
“An wit that, she grabs Freddy, hauls im over to that tree where you guys found im an ties im up wit that same piece-a rope he used to trip er wit, an calls the girl scout troop over to the tree, tells em what jus happened an who Freddy is, an tells em to do whatever they feel like wit im:”
“We saw you use that knife, lady. Any chance of us getting a look at that?”
“Here, you can have it. It looks like you have more need of it around here than I do. It’s balanced for throwing, but it’s sharp and it’s good for carving initials into things...”
“You have any kids lady?
“A boy and a girl, twins, they’re a bit younger than you guys. Listen, I’ve got to go.”
“This chick look like one of them people converts to bein a chick in later life, or have any sort of a moustache or chew tobacco or smoke cigars or anything like that?”
“Naw, I’m tellin ya, strangest thing I ever seen, the chick musta been ungodly strong, but nothin about er looked masculine. Nothin in the way she walked or moved, nothin in her voice... nothin at all. Like I said, stand fifty feet off from er so’s ya didn’t notice how big she was, an you’da thought ya was lookin at Miss America or somethin. Only thing I did notice was er eyes; I ain’t never seen nobody wit orange eyes before; must be some new kinda drug...”
“The chick say anything else to ya before she runs off into the sunset?”
“Said she was visitin inlaws, an she was from outa town. That’s about all. She took off down the path, same as if nottin had happened. You guys gonna try ta find the chick an arrest er?”
“Whadaya think bein a cop automatically makes somebody a spoilsport? Like we told ya, we just like hearin stories, an being amused. You’re free to go.”
An Alien in New York City
“Listen, Mister, uh, what’d you say your name was again?”
“Johnson, officer, Larry M. Johnson.
“Listen, Mr. Johnson, we understand you probly don’t enjoy talkin to cops, but the fickle fingera fate would appear to a placed you at the scene a somethin we’d kinda like to hear a bit more about.”
“What my partner here means is that we ain’t really intrested in none of your, uh, business interests or anything like that, but when we find the guy responsible for all them muggins and rapes and what not stripped naked and tied to a tree bleedin to death where a buncha girl scouts been carvin their initials on im, it kinda piques our curiousity, if ya know what we mean.”
“Tell us what all you saw, and you can go straight back to whatever you were doin.”
“Hey, no problem, I’ll tell ya anything ya want only don’t make me laugh no more, I been laughin all mornin an my lungs is bad from smokin all these years, I laugh any more today, it’s gonna put me in the hospital.”
“You get any kinda look at this chick they was talkin about?”
“Did I get a look? Lemme tell ya, I seen some strong chicks before, lady athletes and what not, an I seen models an good-lookin broads before, but I ain’t never seen nothin like this. This gal looked like she was in her late twenties or early thirties, an jus drop-dead gorgeous, long real dark red hair, an you was so overwhelmed jus lookin at how pretty she was an all, that you almost didn’t notice how big she was till she was right up next to ya. She been joggin through the park in the mornins for about a week or so I guess, an Freddy musta started ta notice her.”
“Freddy’s our rapist perp?”
“Right. Listen, I’m serious, don’t you guys start laughin, I’m gonna get sick if I laugh any more this mornin. Now, Freddy ain’t no pro wrestler, but he ain’t little neither, he’s about five-eleven, six feet or so, hundred eighty-five, ninety pounds, an the idea a some chick actually bein stronger than he is probably never occurred to im, an this chick we’re talkin bout probably struck him as a challenge, kinda like that big mountain off in Asia. You remember they asked some a them guys why they wanted to climb it and they said ‘Cause it’s there.’”
“So Freddy, our village rapist, is lookin for some way to bushwhack this redheaded chick or take her unawares some kinda way?“
“Freddy’s got himself some book on huntin an trappin, an he’s got himself a rope strung between two trees along the path where this chick comes joggin an he’s got the rope covered up wit leaves, an he’s hidden, an he pulls the rope tight just as this chick comes up on it, an I guess he expects the chick to land straight on her face an then he pulls a knife on her. Only the chick don’t do that; she jus tucks everything in an rolls an comes back to er feet an turns to face Freddy in a single motion, not a scratch on er, walks up to Freddy, makes some sorta movement wit one hand towards Freddy’s face an takes is knife wit the other hand, meanwhile Freddy’s too stupified to even move, then she makes some kinda move so quick I couldn’t even follow it an Freddy’s lyin there on is ass wit the wind knocked outta im thinkin ‘Oh shit, what am I doin here!’. “
“Now, as fate would have it, I was on some business walkin the other way on this same path and walked up just as this shit was happenin. The redhaired chick was lookin at Freddy’s knife, one a them little stiletto switchblades...”
“Jeez lady, you some kinda warrior princess or somethin?”
“I’m just an ordinary republican housewife. Most of the time at least... Was this character actually going to try to stab me with this little knife?”
“Listen lady, I’m jus passin through here, but rumor has it that guy’s some kinda preevert sex offender; he was likely gonna try to shag your ass...”
“Shag? You mean he was going to rob me and use the money to buy himself a real knife?”
“The man’s rumored to be a rapist; he was gonna rape ya.”
“How so?”
“Well, fer starters, he was gonna force ya to get undressed...”
“You have to admire ambition in a man, nonetheless (turning towards Freddy), you appear to be the loser in this instance, and if the looser has to get undressed... “
“An, wit that, the chick pulls out the scariest lookin knife I ever seen anywheres outta some loose thing in er clothin, walks over to where Freddy’s still lyin on the ground wit the wind knocked outta im, tells im if he holds real still he won’t get cut an, in what looked like three strokes wit that knife, Freddy’s lyin there naked as a jaybird.”
“Now, assuming that was me lying there with nothing on and not that gentleman, what would he have done next?”
“Lady, like I told ya, the man’s a rapist, he’da tried to force ya to have sex wit im an, if ya was real lucky, that might be all he’da done...”
“Really! That’s got to be illegal, and this guy doesn’t really look bright enough to be any sort of criminal. Where I come from, you have to pass a series of tests to become a criminal; do they simply allow anybody to become a criminal here?”
“An, before I can answer the question, the lady turns her attention back to Freddy an says:”
“You were going to “rape” me with THAT? That’s even sillier than wanting to stab me with that little knife. Here, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to do you a favor; I’m going to cut that off for you, and then you can tell people you had a fine, big one, and that some ill-tempered woman cut it off in a fit if jealousy. Then at least nobody will laugh at you, here, hold still, it’ll only hurt for a few minutes...”
“I’m tellin ya, you guys start laughin, an ya ain’t gonna get to hear the rest of the story.”
“Okay, we’ll try to keep our faces straight, but it ain’t easy. What happened, the chick cut Freddy’s tally off?”
“Na, Freddy starts screamin an cryin an carryin on, an the chick turns back towards me:”
“You see, that’s a lesson in life, you try to help people and do nice things for them, and more often than not they don’t appreciates it. Does this character only “rape” big women like me, or is he also a danger to smaller women and girls?”
“These types ain’t choosy, lady; big, little, young, old, it don’t matter, it’s all the same to him, he’d probably try to rape one a them girl scouts over there if he had half a chance.”
“Well, you know, I’ve got to get back to my running here and I could die of old age standing here trying to figure out how to deal with this character according to customs which I’m not familiar with, so I think I’m going to let some of you people figure out what to do with him.”
“An wit that, she grabs Freddy, hauls im over to that tree where you guys found im an ties im up wit that same piece-a rope he used to trip er wit, an calls the girl scout troop over to the tree, tells em what jus happened an who Freddy is, an tells em to do whatever they feel like wit im:”
“We saw you use that knife, lady. Any chance of us getting a look at that?”
“Here, you can have it. It looks like you have more need of it around here than I do. It’s balanced for throwing, but it’s sharp and it’s good for carving initials into things...”
“You have any kids lady?
“A boy and a girl, twins, they’re a bit younger than you guys. Listen, I’ve got to go.”
“This chick look like one of them people converts to bein a chick in later life, or have any sort of a moustache or chew tobacco or smoke cigars or anything like that?”
“Naw, I’m tellin ya, strangest thing I ever seen, the chick musta been ungodly strong, but nothin about er looked masculine. Nothin in the way she walked or moved, nothin in her voice... nothin at all. Like I said, stand fifty feet off from er so’s ya didn’t notice how big she was, an you’da thought ya was lookin at Miss America or somethin. Only thing I did notice was er eyes; I ain’t never seen nobody wit orange eyes before; must be some new kinda drug...”
“The chick say anything else to ya before she runs off into the sunset?”
“Said she was visitin inlaws, an she was from outa town. That’s about all. She took off down the path, same as if nottin had happened. You guys gonna try ta find the chick an arrest er?”
“Whadaya think bein a cop automatically makes somebody a spoilsport? Like we told ya, we just like hearin stories, an being amused. You’re free to go.”
