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Jan 8, 2010 23:48:40 GMT -5
Post by Aaron Burr on Jan 8, 2010 23:48:40 GMT -5
I guess you never read this one either. I really am incorrigible.
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Jan 9, 2010 0:04:51 GMT -5
Post by Floyd Looney on Jan 9, 2010 0:04:51 GMT -5
oh boy!
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Apr 11, 2010 1:16:02 GMT -5
Post by Aaron Burr on Apr 11, 2010 1:16:02 GMT -5
Anyway, I did hook up with the local Bikers and the result deserves it's own thread. But since most of that was already covered by the H.B.O. show "OZ" we'll skip it and get back to Polo.
So the other day...yesterday, was the first match of the season and my team of Mexican day laborers, redneck malcontents and the random mental cripple were rarin' to go. Our opposition seemed to be made up of Shriners. I dunno', I'm assuming they were Shriners as they were all riding those tiny little cars and wearing fezzes. my team, as always, at least gives the occasional nod to tradition and usually shows up mounted on something edible. This time, due to size constraints, we went with Shetland ponies.
Now, first off, I hate lil' horses. They're a Hell of a lot slower than those Shriner cars and I'm pretty sure mine went lame early in the match due to my ponderous and corrupt girth. It didn't seem to slow down the Mexicans though as they had the good sense to show up wearing spurs. I forget what happened to the mental idjit', Wino Bob says the institution has a van out looking for him so it's not really my responsibility anymore.
Anyway.
The first Chukka was fairly uneventful as those Shriner dudes turned out to be pretty fuggin' old and lacked the the constitution necessary to handle all those carbon monoxide fumes. So our game plan devolved into one which play was kept to the center of the field so as to concentrate those fumes. It worked. By the second Chukka half the opposition was hooked up to oxygen masks and could barely keep those lil' cars on the field.
So there we were planning on running up the scoreboard when who should show up? Yup. The fuggin' cops. Turns out they never really got over last seasons humiliating defeat and wanted to get even. So BAM! Right out the box my Mexicans are in hand cuffs (again) and I'm left with Joe the rednecks second cousins nephews to fill in. I should have realized it was a setup.
Well, technically I did I as drugged the cops horses with Demerol before play resumed, but I would have done that anyway just for old times sake. It didn't really matter as someone used a taser on my Pony and I ended up watching the rest of the match from the sidelines with Wino Bob and a bottle of Thunderbird.
I think our side won though since we had a pretty good lead before the fuzz showed up.
Long story short, I have to go to court Monday to face an animal cruelty charge. I figure Wino Bob ratted me out, but we'll see as I have a suspicion that the Judge just wants to play.
If things work out I figure we'll be unstoppable with a magistrate from the bench on my team....unless of course, the local bar association gets wind of all this.
So I may end up being able to play Buzkashi after all.
I'll let you know.
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Apr 11, 2010 10:59:12 GMT -5
Post by Floyd Looney on Apr 11, 2010 10:59:12 GMT -5
lol! welcome back!
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Apr 14, 2010 2:35:26 GMT -5
Post by Aaron Burr on Apr 14, 2010 2:35:26 GMT -5
I have a match in Flagstaff Tomorrow against the Fish and Game guys. I'll be back Thursday night.
Oh, and the court date went well. I figure I'll play the judge against an all illegal immigrant team he sentenced for vagrancy and see if he has the "cojones" to play with "Burrs Bastards."
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Apr 14, 2010 5:06:49 GMT -5
Post by Attero Dominatus on Apr 14, 2010 5:06:49 GMT -5
Good luck, Aaron..
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Apr 16, 2010 1:41:49 GMT -5
Post by Aaron Burr on Apr 16, 2010 1:41:49 GMT -5
Luck? You should have wished me a whole new team, which I may wind up getting anyway. More on that in a second.
So I'm driving up to Flagstaff with the Judge. Yep. Turns out those animal cruelty charges were trumped up after all. Even though in his ruling he declared me a "menace to every decent thought and impulse found in Man." High praise indeed, I think I'll get that carved on my tombstone.
So we're driving and I casually ask him where our new "Number One" is. Turns out the Judge loaded him in the horse trailer. I almost ran off the road. Our new "Number One" is Wing Fook. A fat Chinaman I found chasing his employer with a meat cleaver out of a restaurant the other day. I admit, I just admired his moxie and signed him up on the spot without seeing him play first.
Anyway, I distinctly remember asking what he knew about Horses and that his reply was "Hoss? Plenty good. Tate long time in cook pot." So you can see why I was filled with apprehension and decided the Judge would be the one to open the horse trailer when we got to Flag.
So we get there and the first fuggin' thing I see are all these "Hotshot" smoke jumper transport vans and about 20 of the biggest fuggin' mules I've ever seen. Naturally I'm all WTF!?! because I thought we were playing some desk jockeys from the Fish and Game Department. Loose lips do indeed sink ships as it appeared that the Judge had been bragging to his cronies and word got out about our illegal, unsanctioned Polo match. Fug.
First words out of the Judges mouth:"Got anymore Demerol?" I just looked at him with disgust and explained that it's not everyday I find a pharmacologist passed out in an alley so that was kind of a one time deal. So he sighs and says "I guess we'll just have to rely on our wits then."
So you can see that we were screwed.
So the judge opens the trailer up and sure enough Wing Fook and the Mesikins' had got at least one of the Ponies into the stewpot. I was ready to call off the match and climb into a bottle of Jim Beam, but Wino Bob had beat me to it. So I did the next best thing. I had the Judge impound the other teams mounts while I called back down the hill to the Chino Valley P.D. to see if anyone would be willing to help us out. Fat chance. Those S.O.B.'s are sore fuggin' losers as we found out during the third Chukka. But first...
Our team had to buy a spare mount from the local animal shelter...for some reason they didn't ask too many questions and accepted my Peruvian passport without comment. I guess it was the imposing Zapata mustache and double bandoleers I was sporting in the photo...I have no other explanation. One things for sure though, I'm not going to be able to do anymore "shopping" there. Ha ha ha...heh.
So we get Wino Bob on his feet, the other team squared away and vaguely acquainted with the rules and we're off. Right out the box the Smoke Jumpers try to play dirty by ramming their mules into our Ponies. Ow. So I did the only thing I could and just started swinging for the knees of the mules. Whap! Whap! Whap! Down they went like a sack of moldy cement. It didn't matter, these guys had come prepared. My arm got tired before they ran out of mules.
By the end of the first Chukka they were up by 8 points. I fell back on the old standby and got Wing Fook all liquored up and pointed him at the other team. I don't think he even waited for the whistle to blow to resume play. Damn. That Chinaman could fight. Feet, hands, big ass Buddha belly...meh. He got knocked out after 6 or 7 of the Smoke Jumpers dog piled him and beat him into submission. Frankly, that was O.K. by me because I used the free time to knock about 10 balls past the goal line thus giving our side a slim lead.
And what was the Judge doing all this time you might ask? Cowering under one of the Hotshot trucks in fear after he witnessed his Polo pony get trampled into the mud by a bunch of mean tempered Missouri pack mules. Worthless. On the other hand, the Mesikins' were putting on a fine display of sportsmanship. This I attribute to the fact that the Judge had promised them "a pathway to Citizenship" if they did well. Smooth tongued Devil. He and I both knew that "pathway" was via Mexico City in the back of an INS van.
Where was I? Oh yeah, not much changed after the end of the second Chukka. We were still behind in points and most of our players were in pretty bad shape. Hell, even Wino Bob had lost interest and wandered off to some biker bar. The Smokies still wanted to play so we convinced the Judge that he should be the referee. Swell. Third Chukka. Or it should have been the third Chukka. Right after the whistle blows the Polo pitch gets buzzed by one of those big ass fire fighting planes. We (our team) looks up in puzzlement while the smokies scatter off the field. At first I figured their mules got spooked and was about to resume play. In fact, Wing Fook had recovered enough to charge out onto the field shouting the Chinese equivalent of BANZAI!!!! or whatever he was saying in Chinaman talk.
And then the plane turned around for a second pass.
Fug.
Those bomb bay doors opened up right over us and it felt like all of Lake Powell had been dumped out on top of us. Sigh. I dunno', I just assumed fat Chinamen could swim...or at least float. I wasn't so worried about the Mesikins' because I can always get more of those guys down at the Circle Stop. But DAMN!!! There's only like 8 Chinese guys in the whole fuggin' county and I bet at least a couple of them know how to swim.
Long story short, the smokies trotted back onto the field after the flood waters had subsided and pretty much had their way with the game. I was all for shooting their mounts out from under them as a matter of principle, but the Judge claimed he didn't have the jurisdiction or something to cover that. Like I said, worthless.
So I drove home with an empty horse trailer and a soggy and sullen Judge who was regretting not being able to reverse his earlier decision from the bench against me.
Oh, we made Wino Bob ride in the truckbed because he wound up trying to sleep off his hangover in the mule pen.
Whatever.
Next week I'm going with an all convict team.
It's a fool proof plan.
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Apr 16, 2010 19:37:03 GMT -5
Post by Floyd Looney on Apr 16, 2010 19:37:03 GMT -5
Yes, The Coyote will catch the roadrunner next week!
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Mar 7, 2011 1:00:04 GMT -5
Post by Aaron Burr on Mar 7, 2011 1:00:04 GMT -5
You know Floyd, I built a new website. It's here, www.evilconservatives.net/index.php I copied and pasted all my posts from this thread. I'm thinking of simply merging your board with my website to get you some more readers. Or I can just copy and paste more posts. In any event, you guys should come on over, I'll set up a fiction forum for you all. I'm just that....that...oh Hellfire, what's a good word that combines, awesome and magnanimous with pernicious and incorrigible? I'm Permagsomeable. yeah, that's it.
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Mar 7, 2011 9:54:35 GMT -5
Post by Floyd Looney on Mar 7, 2011 9:54:35 GMT -5
dang. I hate when I have to look up new words.
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